It's 8 PM. You've announced and delayed bedtime three times already. Suddenly, your child becomes Shakespeare, Einstein, and Gordon Ramsay all at once. They transform from the kid who spent the last hour complaining they're bored or staring open-mouthed at the television, becoming a creative genius tortured by vital life questions, mysterious ailments, and suddenly gifted with the negotiation skills of a seasoned barrister.

Sound familiar?

You're not alone.

Every parent on the planet has heard these classics. They're like the bedtime greatest hits - performed nightly in homes across the world by small humans who think sleep is optional and you're their personal entertainment committee.

If reading this makes you twitch with recognition, our Bedtime Battles guide is your new survival weapon. Because frankly, when dealing with toddlers you need more ammunition than just patience and false hope.

Here are the five bedtime excuses that'll make you question your life choices, delivered with the dramatic flair only a child facing the horror of... going to sleep can muster.

1. "I'm Starving"

Young Boy holding cutlery with a clean plate on the table

They've just demolished a full dinner two hours ago. You watched them eat. Hell, you probably had to threaten them to finish their vegetables. But the moment those pyjamas go on, suddenly they're experiencing famine-level hunger that can only be cured by a three-course meal.

"I need a snack," they declare, as if you've been starving them in some Victorian workhouse. "My tummy is making noises." Yes, love, that's called digestion. It happens when you actually eat food instead of just rearrange it on your plate like some form of modern art.

Apparently, hunger only kicks in after pyjamas.

Survival note: A small bedtime snack isn't the end of the world if it genuinely helps them settle. But don't let them milk it into a full buffet service. One banana, not a cheese toastie with a side order of negotiations. For our toddler, a rice cake always seems to do the trick and fills the gaping whole in his stomach.

2. "I Need the Toilet"

Toddler sitting on a potty playing with toilet roll

This is the bedtime classic. They went literally three minutes ago as part of the bedtime routine. You stood there. You waited. You reminded them to actually wee, not just admire the bathroom tiles. But now, suddenly, their bladder has miraculous refilled to bursting point.

"I really, really need to go," they insist with the urgency of someone who's been holding it for hours. You know it's bollocks. They know it's bollocks. You know they know it’s bollocks, but you can't exactly refuse a toilet trip without looking like a monster parent, can you? and they know this!

Their bladder shrinks to thimble size at bedtime.

Survival note: Build the toilet trip into your routine before lights out, not after. And if they claim they need to go again, fine - but it's a quick in-and-out job with no chatting, no playing with soap, and definitely no reading material. Also, try to limit liquid intake after dinner if you can. We suck at this in our house because, well, a couple of quarter bottles of juice is a small price to pay for having them stay in bed until they finall fall asleep.

3. "One More Story"

Father reading a bedtime story to his daughter

You've just finished reading the agreed-upon story. Maybe even two stories, if you were feeling generous, or had been forced to use it as a negotiation tactic earlier in the day, But suddenly, just as it is time to go to sleep, your child has developed an insatiable appetite for literature that would make a university professor weep with joy.

"Just one more," they plead with the puppy dog eyes that they have perfected on weak-willed grandparents. "Please? It's a really short one." That short one becomes another short one, which becomes a medium one, then suddenly you've read War and Peace in full and it's nearly midnight.

When one more story,
Two more stories,
Three more stories,
four!

Survival note: Set your story limit upfront and stick to it like your sanity depends on it. Because it does. "We're having two stories tonight. Here's story one... here's story two... stories are finished." No negotiations, no appeals, no Supreme Court interventions.

Need the full arsenal of bedtime boundary-setting tactics? The Fairweather Parent Bedtime Battles guide has scripts for every excuse and strategy for every meltdown.

4. "I'm Scared"

You boy looking scared in bed as he hugs his mother.

Nothing strikes fear into a child's heart quite like the prospect of sleep. Suddenly, they're terrified of monsters, shadows, that coat hanging on the door that looks like a burglar, and imaginary clowns that definitely weren't a problem during the day.

This is a tricky one, becaus fear is an important stage in your child’s development. It’s just irrtating as anything that can come at the expense of a good night’s sleep.

"There's something in my room," they whisper dramatically. Yes, love, it's called furniture. The same furniture that's been there for the last six months without incident. But apparently, after dark, your chest of drawers becomes a portal to hell.

They weren't scared 10 minutes ago when they were playing the floor is lava, leaping from stools and cushions why trying to swing to safety on the curtains.

Survival note: Acknowledge their fear - it's real to them - but keep firm bedtime boundaries. A quick room check, maybe a nightlight, but don't turn it into a full monster-hunting expedition that lasts until dawn.

5. "But I'm Not Tired"

Young girl refusing to sleep with her arms folded and a cross look on her face

Ah, yes. There is a reason this one is a classic.

This masterpiece is usually delivered while they're yawning, rubbing their eyes, and swaying like they're on the deck of a ship in a storm. They could be falling asleep mid-sentence but they'll swear blind they're wide awake .

"I don't feel sleepy," they insist, despite the fact they've been grumpy as hell for the last hour because they're clearly knackered. It's like they think admitting tiredness is some sort of defeat.

Kids could be unconscious on their feet but swear they're ready for a rave.

Survival note: Don't argue with them about whether they're tired or not. Consistency wins every time. You don't have to sleep, but you do have to stay in your bed quietly. End of discussion.

The Verdict

If you've heard all five of these excuses this week, you're not cursed - you're just a parent. Your child isn't defective, evil, or plotting your downfall (well, maybe a little bit). They're just tiny humans who are having far too much fun to waste timem sleeping

The truth is, kids are tactical geniuses when it comes to delaying bedtime. They are more cunning than Baldrick and you’re about as patient with them as Blackaddder would be. They've got more tricks than a magician and more persistence than a door-to-door salesman …

Alright, I think you get the point. They are cheeky bloody rascals.

But here's the thing - you're not failing when they pull this stuff. You're just dealing with a small person who's learned that bedtime measns the day is over and they’ve had a good one, so why would they want it to end?

But wait. What if there was a solution? A battle-tested guide full of real tips and tricks that come from two decades of firsthand experience?

The Fairweather Parent Guide to Bedtime Battles is your sanity-saving manual for bedtime chaos - packed with scripts, strategies, and the brutal truth about getting kids to actually sleep. Because you've got better things to do at 10 PM than negotiate with a three-year-old about whether they really need another pint of water.

Get the Bedtime Battles Guide now - before tonight's bedtime showdown begins.

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